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How To Fill In Form ESA50 Appropriately

March 27, 2013

So…..you’ve received form ESA50, Limited Capability For Work Questionaire, and you can hear demonic voices from Dante’s inferno cackling at it’s hellishness.

The first thing to bear in mind is that even though you are claiming Employment ‘Support’ Allowance the form is designed to do everything but ‘support’ you.  It is a trick questionaire, full of questions that are on par with ‘ Have you stopped beating your wife yet ?’. Yes, form ESA50 is ‘the blue pill’ from The Matrix…your free entry into an insane world of Mad Hatters and teapots.

Questions such as ‘Can you learn to do a simple task such as setting an alarm clock ?’, for example.

Never mind what incapacitating condition you may have…if you can set an alarm clock you are clearly fit for work, you scrounger ! It would be very tempting to just put ‘What’s an alarm clock ?’…but there are only boxes for Yes, No, or the mysterious ‘It Varies’. Hmm..no space for how much it might vary.

Or there’s ‘ Can you learn to do a more complex task such as using a washing machine ?’ Well, I’d have thought that depends on how complex the washing machine is ! I’ve seen washing machines that require a degree in quantum physics to operate. But alas, there is no space for ‘ I am not a quantum physicist’…just Yes, or No, or once again the mysterious ‘It Varies’.  And as the question has to do with ‘learning’…what conceivable relevance does ‘It varies’ have as an answer ? Surely ‘It varies’ has to do with ability to use the device, not ability to learn.

Clearly the ESA50 form was writen by a retard who themselves needs to be asked the question ‘ English, motherf***er’, do you speak it ?’. Yes or No. Hmm,  the ESA50 form shows that ‘It varies’ would be the answer to that one!

Then there’s the check box… ‘ Please tick this box if you do not have any problems staying conscious while awake’.  I needed to call a philosopher to establish just exactly what this question means.  I have never heard of a person being unconscious while awake, though the philosopher David Chalmers does think that ‘philosophical zombies’ might exist that are awake but not conscious. Who knows….perhaps the answer ‘ I am a philosophical zombie’ might with any luck explode the computer at ATOS, bearing in mind that this whole process makes HAL from 2001 look mentally balanced.  You might be the one singing ‘Daisy…Daisy….’ by the end of it.

Hmm. ‘ Can you control your bowels and bladder without any difficulty ?’ Excellent question, to which the answer is ‘ NO…I pissed myself laughing at the sheer stupidity of this questionaire…but then when I came to my senses I shat myself thinking that some retard is going to decide my life based on the sheer stupidity of this questionaire’.

Ah…now here’s a question I like. ‘ How often do you behave in a way that upsets other people ?’. Well…you see, I have this obsessive desire to upset the sort of cretins who create and impose the idiocy of things like ESA50. So I guess that is ‘ Every Day’.

And there you have it. You might as well respond as per my comments here…as it likely won’t make a blind bit of difference to the outcome.

From → Welfare

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